Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
