I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
