Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Im part way to drunk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
