So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
