Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
