you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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