Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
