the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
