There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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