Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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