do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
