Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
