He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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