When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
