if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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