im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
