I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
