i just wanna soil my oats bro
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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