The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
As shirtless as possible
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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