Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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