I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
