my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
