worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
