my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
