My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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