I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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