Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
