No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
