Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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