DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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