I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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