My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
