your parents love me but you hate me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
please come you make the beer taste better
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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