Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
