so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
