just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
