The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
