I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
