the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I need moral support for this bender
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
