Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
