if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
