"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
