Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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