i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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