Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
