I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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