i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
