The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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