youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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