I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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