If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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