You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
